Woman Dies Under Accumulated Mountain of Small, Quaint Succulents

GUELPH, ON – Police have confirmed that 32-year-old Olivia Siegel passed away Sunday afternoon underneath a mountain of quaint little succulents of her own creation.

The young woman had begun collecting twee succulents in adorably quirky pots in 2012 as a means of sprucing up her clean, white-walled apartment.

“She said that the succulents were in line with her minimal aesthetic,” Siegel’s mother wept. “I remember she would often say, ‘They’re low maintenance and perfect for my busy lifestyle.’”

Soon, however, Siegel’s hardy desert plants began to consume more of her time and space. As she feverishly began to amass thousands of little succs, Siegel became increasingly reclusive and slave to the whims of her potted cacti.

“She could never be satisfied with what she had already,” said Siegel’s boyfriend. “She was always scrounging garden centres and farmer’s markets for more. Dammit, why couldn’t it ever be enough?!”

Near the end, the succulents forced her to sign over her lease into their name. Siegel was held captive by the very botany that devoted herself to unconditionally.

“They suffocated her quite literally,” said Officer Baqri. “But she may have suffocated them in turn.”

Guelph Police Service has not ruled that the death of Siegel was purely accidental, as they reported that the houseplants that she placed in hemp hangers from the ceiling looked especially suspicious.

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